When the answer is “no,” but I say “yes,” I don’t sleep.
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On the southeast side of Mt. Washington, in what is called The Great Gulf Wilderness, there is a dramatic ravine called Tuckermans.
It is a famous ski destination in New England, with fearsome pitches and avalanches.
It is possible to hike partway up the trail to view the action above, and on a clear spring day, it’s spectacular.
On a nasty day, it’s unendurable.
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Mt. Washington is famous for “The Worst Weather In The World,” a title earned due to the brutal winds that shear across the top of the tallest peak in the northeast.
The variability of New England weather being equally well-known, it is wise when planning a trip to the mountains to be prepared to cancel it.
Even when it is not unsafe, it can get pretty uncomfortable.
The problem is, Yankees (perhaps this is a quality ubiquitous among people familiar with inclement conditions) take great pride in convincing themselves they enjoy crappy weather, and, what’s more, not-so-secretly believe it is a source of great moral superiority and fiber to display that affectation.
The problem, specifically, is for me, because I do not enjoy being uncomfortable outdoors.
Can I embrace it, and see the beauty in the unforgiving wilderness? Yes.
Do I choose it, of my own free will, because of the rewards which it returns? Certainly.
But do I wake up when it is gusting 40mph at the base, in a 20 degree overcast, and think, “Gee, I’d sure like to squint into blowing ice while I trudge through an inclined snowpack just to get to where it might blow 70, and then turn around again?”
No, I do not. I wake up and think, “You know, I like hiking as much as the next guy, but let’s reschedule this one.”
But I had already said “yes.”
I had said “yes” weeks before, months even, and now, after watching the forecast for two weeks and strongly hinting, but not actually saying, that we should cancel, here I was, lying awake at 2am listening to the wind howl, knowing that not only was I committed to this endeavor, but now I was also going to be exhausted going into it.
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This is what it feels like to be out of integrity. This is what it feels like to not tell the truth, because I was afraid of the external consequences, and thus to have to deal with internal consequences instead.
Which is when I don’t sleep. Because sleep is when the nervous system is safe, and surrenders, and says, “All is right with the world.”
But if I’ve gone and made it all not right, then I don’t sleep.
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This is where a flower essence can really come in handy.
Flower essences often gentle support in a different way from homeopathic remedies, and they are complementary to them.
Unlike homeopathic remedies, flower essences are easy to self-prescribe and can be taken frequently, making them a wonderful tool for emotional upset.
In this situation, the flower essence that comes to mind is Cerato. The person needing Cerato doubts themselves, or overrides their own feelings, to appease other people.
While I am not like that generally, and therefore wouldn’t need a homeopathic remedy that helped shift that behavior, I found myself stuck in that state temporarily.
In this situation, I could have used Cerato to bolster my confidence and make myself heard.
Unfortunately, I didn’t. (But the sun did come out and I got a quick view of the ravine before high-tailing back into the woods, so now I will proceed to tell you how amazing it is to go hiking in March in northern New England!)
Don’t fall for it, dear reader. Make your own decisions. Trust yourself.
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